Another birthday is in the books and, as usual, it had its ups and downs. This year came with a theme, though, a magical message that stayed with me on the days surrounding and including my birthday:
Less effort, more surrender.
A blessing for the new year
For some days now, I feel like there has been much I want to say. It’s been percolating beneath the surface. Try as I might, though, I can’t put the words together. They’re just not there … yet.
Instead, I’m sharing this passage about endings from John O’Donohue’s To Bless the Space Between Us. It feels particularly relevant given the year that’s been.
Let yourself be changed
On April 30, my husband and I marked our five year “Bendiversary”—the day we moved from California and became Oregon residents. The years feel like they have passed in a flash. Some days it doesn’t feel like much at all has changed in those five years. But when I stop and reflect, I can see that so much has changed—namely, me.
The illusion of separation
A prayer for the passing year
Earlier this month, I spent a couple weeks participating in an online course about making space for the new year. The first week was a beautiful unfolding of letting go of the current year that included forgiveness and reconciliation as well as affirming what we were grateful for. My favorite day, though, was when we were invited to consider how we would like to say farewell to 2019.
Letting love lead
Faith and fear in transition
I recently returned to my home state of California. This time, though, it felt different. It didn’t feel like my present. Instead, it felt decidedly like my past. What surprised me was how OK I felt about this. The shift was a welcome feeling, like I had finally let go of some part of my past that was keeping me stuck.
I choose me
Throughout my life I had been pressured to be different than how I was. In one way or another, who I was wasn’t good enough, didn’t measure up, or didn’t fit in. For a long time I resisted, which caused no end of frustration to those who thought I should be different. I fought the good fight for decades but over time, after giving in a little here and giving up a littler there, my battle lines had been severely compromised. I was exhausted from the fight and I gave in.
Experience desired
I cannot count the times over the years that I have unconsciously tried to control someone else’s experience, always with the best of intentions and always at the expense of my own experience. Making sure things were “just so” for others meant I put my own experience on the back burner. Worse, that meant others didn’t get to experience me—the authentic me—because I was too busy tending to their experience.
A cry for love
I went into last month feeling heavy and burdened. After taking on a lot of new things over the summer, I felt like I just wanted a month off. I was feeling squeezed, constrained, and lifeless. Some things that started from a place of joy no longer felt that way. I couldn’t remember why I was doing them; only that I should. I began looking around desperately for anything that would make it all—make me—feel better.