Last week I received word that the last of the dogs I shared with my ex had crossed over the rainbow bridge. Brady was a good dog. He was a bit of a dinglenut and was the most pain-in-the-ass puppy I have ever experienced—then or now. Still, I loved him and he had a special place in my heart.
Although Brady was my constant companion for the first year or so of his life, after the divorce, I only spent time with him when my ex was travelling. The truth is, with life changes, I hadn’t seen Brady in six years.
Even so, I was sad to hear the news of Brady’s passing. Although he wasn’t a current presence in my life, he was the last living connection to that old life. Before I went to bed I spent a little time looking at old photos of Brady, smiling and shedding a couple tears. I also sent a text to my sister and my niece, telling them the news.
This morning my sister replied, “Oh Siobhan, so sad. I know he took memories of you with him.”
That’s when the tears came and I felt the grief for the first time. Shortly after, I heard this message:
“Let your heart break”
Until then I hadn’t really let myself feel the sadness. I thought I had done all my grieving when I left my marriage and had to leave Brady and our two older dogs behind. That broke my heart. I didn’t think my heart could break again losing Brady for a second and now final time, because he had already been absent from my life for so long. But it did.
That’s the thing about grief: There is no time limit on how many times it may come around for a given loss. And it certainly doesn’t differentiate based on the perceived size or value of the loss, whether a beloved partner of 30 years or a beloved pet of 12 years, only six of which you were present for.
Brady is just one of a number of losses I’ve experienced in this year. For all of us, 2020 has been nothing if not a year full of losses in every aspect of our lives—personal, professional, social, political, environmental, etc.
Here’s what I have learned: When you let your heart break and open yourself to the sadness, you let the grief out. Because holding it in only holds you back. Keeping your heart closed holds you back from loving and from living. The crack is how the light gets in.
If you are feeling the constriction of unprocessed grief (it may be in your chest, your throat, or somewhere else in your body), ask yourself these questions:
What grief have I been holding in?
How is that grief holding me back?
How might letting my heart break open bring more light into my life?
As the saying goes, you need to feel it to heal it. Let yourself heal by letting your heart break open.