The gift of belonging to yourself and being who you are, vs. being who you think you need to be to fit in, is knowing that you are worthy of your own time, energy, and attention. When you belong to yourself, there is ample space for what matters … you.
Even with the work I’ve done around this over the years, I can still find myself putting me on the back burner. I recently found myself stuck in this old pattern again. Because prioritizing my needs and care is one of the lessons I’m here to learn and heal in this lifetime, I know this pattern will continue to show up for me. Fortunately, I recognize and address the pattern more quickly now than I have in the past.
When I looked deeper into this pattern during a recent coaching session, I discovered the blocks standing in the way of giving myself the time, energy, and attention I need.
Judgment. Fear. Shame.
I judge myself for taking care of my needs first, which triggers shame that I am not doing enough for others. And, because my ego believes my safety and security is dependent on my caring for others, putting myself first creates fear.
When I let fear, shame, and judgment run the show, I sacrifice my needs and care to prove that I am worthy of safety, love, and belonging.
Before my coaching session, I pulled the Allow Acceptance card. Of course, I did. It’s one of the themes that came up for me during my annual Ring in the True practice. (Read more about Ring in the True here and here.)
This time, though, I read the card differently. This time the focus of the invitation shifted from that of something outside myself to me.
Where am I experiencing a sense of discord between how I am and how I think I should be?
If I accepted this feeling and trusted that I am as I should be right now, what might that allow me to do?
Self-acceptance is the key, always, to returning to my own belonging. Acceptance is how I interrupt the fear, shame, and judgment that keep me from making space for myself, allowing me to be as I am instead of who I think others expect me to be. When I accept myself, I freely give myself the time, energy, and attention I need and can then give to others from a place of gracious abundance rather than resentful paucity.
As I was sitting with this recent awareness, the universe gifted me with this quote from J. Krishnamurti:
“Fear is not of the unknown, but of the loss of the known. The unknown does not incite fear, but dependence on the known does.”
I had never thought of fear like this before, but I immediately recognized the truth in these words. They reminded me of when I was wrestling with whether to stay in my first marriage. What I feared most weren’t the unknowns on the other side of divorce but losing all the knowns I’d become accustomed to in that relationship.
From this perspective, I understand why fear, judgment, and shame show up when I’m standing at the edge of what I’ve known, looking across the chasm to the unknown of a new beginning. They create the guardrail that keeps me a safe distance from the precipice so I can’t make the leap. To fear, judgment, and shame, the known ground on which I stand is safer than the unknown land that lies ahead.
This applies as much to the evolution of our internal selves as it does to our external world. When we accept ourselves for who we are, it makes it harder to continue showing up as we were. The fear is never about the unknown of who we’re becoming. The fear is about what or who we might lose as a result of showing up as our true selves.
Let me ask you …
What gets in the way of giving yourself the time, energy, and attention you need?
What or who do you fear losing by prioritizing your needs?
What might you do differently if you accepted yourself and what you need?
When you’re not accustomed to meeting your needs first, it can be hard to even know what your needs are.
Here’s a suggestion: Create a “Things that give me life” list that includes as many of the practices and indulgences that reconnect you with yourself and fill your cup. Then post the list where you’ll see it and/or can refer to it regularly, such as on the refrigerator and in a note on your phone.
I have just such a list on the magnet board in my office, which includes items like …
Standing barefoot on the grass
Watching the birds at the feeder in our backyard
Decluttering
Connecting with others (virtually and IRL)
Nap
Hot bath
Reading
Snuggling with the dogs
Journaling
Going for a walk
Some of these things may sound rather insignificant to have much impact. However, I’ve found that even spending as few as 10 minutes of me-focused time, attention, and energy can be enough to fill my cup. (This post I recently saw on Instagram offers some other suggestions.)
If you want to take the exercise a step further, you can also create a “Things that drain my energy” list. I have one right next to the “Things that give me life” list.
I’ve learned that the things that drain my energy are also the ways in which I put other people’s needs and care ahead of my own. A list of things that drain your energy can help you spot when you’re putting yourself on the back burner and help you interrupt the cycle.