A couple weeks ago, I was talking to a dear one on the phone. She and her family had adopted a rescue dog over the weekend and that evening, after a couple good days, the dog growled at her mom and upset her. What struck me was when the dear one said she felt responsible for everyone’s experience—her kids, her husband, her mom, even the dog.
As I lay awake in the middle of the night, that comment is what stuck with me. I began to think about the girls’ weekend from which I had just returned home. I didn’t feel responsible for my friends’ experience, though Lord knows I have felt accountable for others’ experiences plenty of times in the past. However, I didn’t take as much responsibility for my own experience as I could have.
And then this bit of wisdom rose to the surface of my consciousness:
You can’t control anyone else’s experience. You can only control your own.
No duh, I know. Yet as painfully obvious as it sounds, until you hear the message from that still, small, quiet voice inside you, it doesn’t take root and inspire change.
There’s a shadow side to thinking you’re responsible for others’ experiences. By trying to control or influence everyone else’s experience, you deprive them—and yourself—of the experience you are each meant to have.
I cannot count the times over the years that I have unconsciously tried to control someone else’s experience, always with the best of intentions and always at the expense of my own experience. Making sure things were “just so” for others meant I put my own experience on the back burner. Worse, that meant others didn’t get to experience me—the authentic me—because I was too busy tending to their experience.
What became clear to me that night is I need to own my experience first and foremost, from the seemingly trivial (such as food choices and social commitments) to the significant (my relationships and coaching business). That means being clear with myself and asking “What is the experience I want to have?” Claiming that experience also means speaking up and communicating my desires to others when appropriate. My experience. My responsibility.
I’ve learned that when we are not honest about the experience we want for ourselves, we become controlling, manipulating the outcome to achieve the end result we’ve conjured in our minds. The physical experience will be what it is; it’s the internal experience that really matters and is the only thing you can influence.
This a-ha relates to another personal truth: The kindest thing you can do for yourself is often the kindest thing you can do for others. In this instance, taking care of yourself and owning your experience makes a better experience for those around you.
After this unexpected but delightful middle-of-the-night journey into knowing, it came as no surprise when that little voice inside told me that experience is my word for 2019.
So what experience do you want? And what can you do to create that experience for yourself?
Let me know in the comments below or email me at hellosiobhannash@gmail.com.