I went into last month feeling heavy and burdened. After taking on a lot of new things over the summer, I felt like I just wanted a month off. I was feeling squeezed, constrained, and lifeless. Some things that started from a place of joy no longer felt that way. I couldn’t remember why I was doing them; only that I should. I began looking around desperately for anything that would make it all—make me—feel better.
What I really wanted was to let go. To let go of all the routines, obligations, habits, and plain ol’ stuff that had begun to make me feel shackled. So that’s what I did.
My desire for letting go was to discern what was really serving me and what I needed to let go either permanently or for the time being. I wanted to create the space I needed to be more me.
When the body talks …
In case I had any ideas about not honoring this commitment to letting go, my back went out on me. This left me no choice but to let go and do nothing. I remembered the last time I had such crippling back pain and realized it was 11 years ago to the month. Thinking back, it was a time of great personal unhappiness, though I didn’t see it at the time. I was in denial.
Although I was nowhere near that level of agony (emotionally and physically), I recognized my current back pain for what it was—a cry for love, from myself to myself. The pain was a warning that I had gotten off track and the most loving thing I could do is pay attention. When I checked in with myself on what would feel like love, the message I received was “movement and simplicity.” Not movement in a physical sense but inner movement—a shifting away from what was weighing me down and toward something lighter. So my mantra for the month became “Let go. Let love.”
When I considered what hadn’t been feeling like love of late, it was a lot of thoughts around …
Needing to do the forest therapy practicum perfectly
Any expectations of what the outcome from the forest therapy program would look like
Feeling like I needed to or had to finish the forest therapy program
As my back pain continued, the message that bubbled up was: “You don’t have to do it all. You can’t do it all. Do what you can. Ask for help.”
And so I did. I asked for help from my inner wisdom and she delivered.
The way back to love
Some revelations come easily, like letting go of the B&B dream. Other revelations come slowly and with more resistance. When I let go of the internal struggle and any attachment I had to the outcome, my next step became clear. I was going to quit the forest therapy guide program.
What also became clear was that the love I was missing was my coaching practice and the urge to let go was a call to create space for that love. The forest therapy experience filled me with renewed excitement and ideas for my coaching practice, which I had been missing and longing to devote more time and attention—more than I had admitted to myself.
What I was also missing was the joy I had felt upon learning about the forest therapy guide program and when reading the founder’s book. The joy returned the moment I acknowledged my soul’s desire to leave the program and refocus my attention on my coaching practice. When I made the decision to bow out of the program and expressed my plan to my husband, I was filled with an immense sense of peace and freedom. I was giddy with excitement over the prospect of spending time again with my love.
I’m proud of myself for answering my soul’s call to embark on the forest therapy guide program. I know the experiences and gifts I received while participating in the program to the extent that I did will continue to impact and change me personally as well as what I bring into the world in service to others through my coaching. Although I didn’t complete the program, I feel complete with it.
It can be so easy to ignore and lose ourselves—the wants and needs of our essential selves—when we’re operating on auto-pilot, trudging through our days honoring commitments, obligations, and responsibilities that may no longer be serving us. We forget that we need love too.
If you find yourself feeling frustrated and dissatisfied, that’s often a sign that you’re disconnected from your essential self. When that happens, ask yourself:
Where am I losing myself?
What do I need to let go to recover and reclaim myself?
The answers will help lead you home.