I went into last month feeling heavy and burdened. After taking on a lot of new things over the summer, I felt like I just wanted a month off. I was feeling squeezed, constrained, and lifeless. Some things that started from a place of joy no longer felt that way. I couldn’t remember why I was doing them; only that I should. I began looking around desperately for anything that would make it all—make me—feel better.
Feel the love
Avoiding the present is a way of distracting ourselves from our feelings. We don’t just distract ourselves from negative feelings, though. We distract ourselves from the positive feelings too. In fact, I believe we distract ourselves more often from positive feelings like love, appreciation, and joy. For many of us, these positive feelings are more uncomfortable than negative feelings. Why is that?
Just be here
I have spent a lot of time and energy thinking that I need to find my people, that I should be out there finding my places and things here in Bend. I’ve lived here for almost two years. What’s wrong with me? But every time I think about putting myself out there, my essential self just says, “Meh.” And again I think, “What’s wrong with me?”
The next thing
While looking at photos from a friend’s recent wedding, I became aware of two feelings—happiness and sadness. I am so happy for my friend who has found the love of his life. But I was also a little sad, remembering my own wedding just a couple years ago and how life’s special moments (and they’re all special—good, bad, and in between) go by so fast.
Embracing the new year
The holidays were quiet for me, a gift in itself. It gave me time to reflect on the year that was ending—what did and didn’t work for me, the joys and dissatisfactions of my life right now, and what I want to let go of and what I want to let in in 2018. I also went back and read my new year’s post from last year to see how my year tracked with my intentions. Connect more deeply with myself. Yes. Continue letting go. Yes. Focus on delight and things that fill me up. Mmm … yes and no.
Piece by piece
I’ve written before about letting go. For me, it’s been a constant and critical part of my journey, shedding that which no longer serve me—people, places, things, and thoughts. It’s something I think about a lot because I’m continually discerning what feels authentic to my essential self. It occurred to me recently, though, that perhaps I make letting go sound like an easy thing to do. It’s not. It’s a slow, unfolding, and sometimes painful process that can take days, weeks, months, even years.
Rest
I recently visited with some girlfriends while in the Bay Area a couple weeks ago. As we were catching up, one thing struck me: They’re both tired. Actually, that’s an understatement. They’re exhausted. It’s no wonder, between kids, work, travel, school commitments, aging parents, home remodeling projects, and on and on. Sound familiar?